Before school ended for the summer, I found myself on a rooftop looking up at the stars. It was around one o’clock in the morning and I had been taking a break from studying. I needed the break, but it was hard to let myself relax with thoughts of unfinished school work bouncing around in my brain.

Before school ended for the summer, I found myself on a rooftop looking up at the stars.

It was around one o’clock in the morning and I had been taking a break from studying. I needed the break, but it was hard to let myself relax with thoughts of unfinished school work bouncing around in my brain. Not only was my mind racing, but my heart felt pretty heavy. The quiet was eye opening and suddenly I was achingly sad.

I realized after having a moment of quiet, a moment of still, that I was absolutely drained. A moment that was supposed to feel calming and peaceful was taken up with the epiphany that my brain just never stops running.

I am constantly worried about the next thing, constantly making comparisons, constantly thinking about other uses for my time, and constantly beating myself up for not working hard enough.

Not only do I have these thoughts about my own actions, but I constantly fret about the wants and needs of others rather than my own. It came to the point where I didn’t know if I was where I was by my own doing or if I thought it would make someone else happy.

I couldn’t help but wonder, do other people think like this?

I was desperate to feel what it is like to complete a task and not think about its perfection for hours after or to walk away from an interaction and not wonder what the other person thought every time I see them. I was desperate to know what it felt like when your mind slows down or even what an empty mind feels like. I wondered what it would feel like to care less about every little thing which is what seemed like many other people did. When I feel like this, my immediate response is to sit in silence. I did not think other people could feel what I feel and the last thing I would ever want to be is a burden on someone else. As I laid there thinking how I could possibly explain this feeling to someone else, I just decided not to. I have pushed a lot of people away because of this and what I used to ball into anger, I now bottle up within myself.

I feel like what is missing in this conversation is how the exhaustion of thinking can make one feel so lonely in the big picture. I have since found comfort in talking it out and realized how our minds can make us feel like the world is ending.

I also find lots of comfort in crying. I used to try to suck in the tears and not allow myself to let it out because I didn’t think I had enough reason to cry. I would think to myself how embarrassing it is that everyone else can handle these situations and I can’t. It might seem like I must have been out here for hours with the amount of thinking I was able to accomplish, however these spurts typically last no longer than five minutes.

I cried in frustration which is not uncommon for me and I reminded myself of the importance of these reflections and that a good cry every so often never hurt anyone.

Sarah? Yes? No? What’s going on? These are questions I get quite frequently as people can see my wheels turning awaiting my response. Trying to explain what is happening in my brain during this period of time feels silly, but I contemplate the best response for so long that it gets awkward.

Sarah? Yes? No? What’s going on?

These are questions I get quite frequently as people can see my wheels turning awaiting my response. Trying to explain what is happening in my brain during this period of time feels silly, but I contemplate the best response for so long that it gets awkward. I fear saying the wrong thing, so much so that I tend to deflect. I have been infamous for turning the tables and asking others their thoughts before I share my own.

Someone that is viewed as exuding so much confidence is often at a loss for words.
When I try to put this into words, I’m often met with, but you always know what to say or stop caring about what other people think when in reality I don’t believe that it is others who scare me more than myself. I want the right thing to come out so bad just so that I have the relief of not thinking about it later.

Something that most people view as over when it ends, I view it as over when I am satisfied (which is hardly ever). I find myself apologizing for this often, but most people aren’t upset with me, rather they are just interested in what I have to say.

Someone close to me reminds me constantly that they wouldn’t ask if they didn’t want to know and they encourage me to attempt to view these interactions more positively. I get flustered and fear that if I say the wrong thing or say no that whoever is talking to me will rule me out when the topic is brought up at another time. I don’t want the people around me to think that I am a stick in the mud, but I also have to look out for my own wants and needs. I’ve come to the realization recently that I am more of a homebody than I originally thought. I would describe myself as loving talking to people, loving being out and about with the people I love, and even loving meeting new people. However, I am learning that I appreciate a heads up before these scenarios, I actually encounter a bit of a social battery, and setting boundaries in these settings would allow me to feel less anxious when the times to be social arise.

I am learning how to be quicker on my feet and talk more with ease rather than fretting over every word. I love to talk, most people close to me say I never stop, but they do notice how often I freeze and that typically is associated with questions. I don’t want to regret my answer, I do not want to upset others, and I want to be a person that people can turn to which translates to me putting huge burdens on myself.

I am working on being more decisive, more spontaneous, more self-aware, and more direct so that I can stop giving people this blank stare.

A lot of us have taken a love language quiz before, maybe you’ve read an article, or maybe even just talked about it with your friends; either way, it is definitely not a foreign concept to most. I find them incredibly fascinating, and I am especially interested in how one has received love previously can impact how they show love in the future.

A lot of us have taken a love language quiz before, maybe you’ve read an article, or maybe even just talked about it with your friends; either way, it is definitely not a foreign concept to most. I find them incredibly fascinating, and I am especially interested in how one has received love previously can impact how they show love in the future. Despite my intrigue, I find it hard to get past how I show love and actually implement it into my own life to understand how others love me. I find myself often feeling undervalued and underappreciated by those around me, but I constantly fail to look further and to really immerse myself into the brain of others.

My brain associates words and touch with love. I feel that if someone is around me and doesn’t want to be near me than they must be upset with me. I feel that if someone spends time with me and doesn’t tell me that they had a nice time, than they must have rather been with someone else. I associate quality time with a deep talk or a good hug which ultimately leaves me feeling accomplished in my interactions. And while this may all be wonderful for others around me to know about me and how I show love, it is not fair for me to put my preferences onto other people. I am constantly disappointed if someone doesn’t show me love in a way that aligns with my brain’s viewpoint on love, but I am trying to recognize when others are trying to show me their version and doing what they feel is equal to love in their brain.

While I think it is healthy to come to this conclusion for the sake of my own sanity and the progress of my own friendships and relationships, I would also like to stress how important it is to inquire what the love languages of the people are around you and who you spend the most time with and ultimately compromise. Healthy relationships make compromises often and are on both sides of friendships and relationships. For example, if one of my friends has a love language of acts of service and ranks physical touch lower, it wouldn’t carry the same weight in their brain if I hugged them rather than if I helped them clean up when I know they have a stressful evening. People appreciate when you take the time to get to know them and learn them which is one of the most sincere and genuine things you can do to positively impact your relationships. Even though in the previous scenario I would feel loved after a hug, I need to respect that the opposite person may find it aggravating and being touched is the last thing that would calm their stress.

I am making it a goal of mine and have for a while to learn more about the people around me and cater to their love languages to build strong relationships, but being an overthinker can put a huge damper on this process. I will often become upset that others do not take the time to learn me and cater to my love languages rather it feels that most times my feelings aren’t considered in the minds of others. This can lead me down a path of spiraling thoughts such as they are mad at me, they don’t care about me, they don’t love me, etc. Because of these thoughts, I tend to be embarrassed or frustrated about having to tell the people around me how to love me. I want other people to match my energy, but this is a friendly reminder to myself and anyone reading that people aren’t mind readers and the majority of the time people are not trying to hurt your feelings.

We need to open up communication within our relationships and better communicate our emotions and needs.

Happy talking!

If anyone is interested, here is a love language test that I have taken before. Encourage your friends and partners to take it for an uplifting, knowledgeable, bonding experience.

Source: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language